Skip to content
Search

Latest Stories

Buy You a Drink: Herman Cain

GOOD's resident mixologist designs a 9-9-9 Cocktail to ease Herman Cain's pain.

Ken Walczak
By Ken WalczakNov 11, 2011
Ken Walczak
See Full Bio


Welcome to Buy You a Drink, where GOOD's resident mixologist offers a free libation to one thirsty newsmaker each week. This week: allegedly grope-y Republican Presidential candidate Herman Cain.

Apparently Herman Cain is still running for president. I tried ignoring him until he went away, like a high school crush or post-viral pityriasis, but it didn’t work. Developments that have so far failed to oust Herman Cain from the race: His own ignorance of basic foreign policy facts; his baffling and contradictory statements on abortion; a deluge of sexual harassment allegations stemming from his time as head of the National Restaurant Association. Are there confused Republicans out there who support Cain purely because they heard that he was once “president of the NRA”?

But now it's November, that rainy month when we remember what Axl Rose taught us: Nothing lasts forever. The new month brought with it Sharon Bialek, who faced the media to detail just what Cain expects in exchange for a “palatial suite” upgrade at the Capitol Hilton. Bialek's testimony is just the latest indication that the Cain campaign may be well past its Appetite for Destruction phase and careening rapidly toward Chinese Democracy. Disclaimer: The candidate would prefer that you not ask him any questions about China, or about democracy.

I think it’s time to buy Herman Cain a drink.

The Call: "The 9-9-9 Cocktail"
Only a drink based on a catchphrase will suffice for a candidate so vaguely unsettling and unsettlingly vague that he appeals primarily to voters otherwise inclined toward the negative space on the ballot. Named after Mr. Cain’s much-trumpeted 9-9-9 Plan to revolutionize American taxation, the "9-9-9 Cocktail" is sweet and bubbly enough for those moments when you’re feeling like a frontrunner, yet boozy and bitter enough to fortify you for the letdown that surely lies ahead.

Like Cain, my 9-9-9 Cocktail hails from a border state. He was born in Memphis; I began with a recipe for the venerable Seelbach Cocktail, which hails from Louisville, Kentucky. The Seelbach was created at a hotel of the same name in 1917 and served there until Prohibition, whereupon it disappeared for roughly 75 years. Thankfully, the Seelbach has made it back into the canon, where it is stands alone in its call for massive amounts of aromatic bitters, just as Cain stands alone in his call for a national tax on consumption. These novel positions may be the best thing about both the cocktail and the candidate.

For the 9-9-9, I began with nine dashes each of Angostura and Peychaud’s bitters, to represent the 9 percent sales and business transactions tax that conservatives find the most bitter in Cain’s plan. Then, I flattened nine raspberries, for that flat 9 percent income tax that sweetens the deal for supply-siders. I combined the bitters and the flattened berries with the Cointreau and bourbon from the original recipe, but I upgraded to barrel-strength bourbon, lest the whiskey flavor get lost among all those nines. You may wish to warn your guests that you expect no particular quid pro quo for breaking out the more palatial bourbon—particularly if you tend bar at the Capitol Hilton.
The 9-9-9 Cocktail

1 oz. barrel-strength bourbon (I used Four Roses OBSQ Recipe, 110.2 proof)
½ oz. Cointreau
9 dashes Angostura bitters
9 dashes Peychaud’s bitters
9 raspberries
4.5 oz. patriotic American sparkling wine

Muddle raspberries in a cocktail shaker. Add bourbon, bitters, and Cointreau, with a few pieces of cracked ice. Stir. Strain through a fine-mesh sieve into a Champagne flute. Slowly top with sparkling wine.

The successful 9-9-9 Cocktail is a luminous red with a slight cloud of foam on its crown. Think of it as an alcoholic mnemonic for drinkers who have a hard time remembering which red-flagged nations have mushroom-cloud-producing weapons.
Road-testing the 9-9-9, I found it elegant and fruity, yet stiff enough to bolster my courage for a date with the GOP frontrunner’s recent appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live. I needed that extra-strong whiskey as I watched Cain discuss his readiness to weather the rest of November—“I will talk about any and all future firestorms!”—and leer over the host’s pizza preferences—“Maybe you need to think thicker and bigger.” By the end of the interview, I was convinced someone had already slipped Herman Cain a few 9-9-9s.
Claim your free cocktail* or share your favorite creepy, smoke-filled campaign ad by e-mailing mixologymailbag@gmail.com.
* Offer of free cocktail only applicable to Herman Cain.

lifestyleherman cainbuy you a drinkelections and politicsfood and drink

The Latest

A photo of the Bogey's Buddies bus, the Pet Adoption Wagon
Heroes

Animal rescue brings renovated bus to warming centers, helping pets escape the cold

a portrait of Frances Thompson in dress with parasol
Culture

How transgender heroine Frances Thompson created civil rights reform in the 19th century American South

Researchers are blowing people's minds after sharing the ideal shower length
Health

Researchers are blowing people's minds after sharing the ideal shower length

For James Beard Semifinialist Daniel Garwood, mental health advocacy isn’t a tall order
Culture

For James Beard Semifinialist Daniel Garwood, mental health advocacy isn’t a tall order

More For You

11 hilarious posts describe the everyday struggles of being a woman

Between the bras, makeup, periods, catcalling, sexism, impossible-to-attain beauty standards, and heels, most men wouldn't survive being a woman for a day without having a complete mental breakdown. So here's a slideshow of some of the funniest Tumblr posts about the everyday struggles that women face that men would never understand.

All photos courtesy of Tumblr.

Keep ReadingShow less

Satanists put up a billboard in Florida promoting state's abortion law loophole

This article originally appeared on 12.30.20.



In some states, women are put through humiliating and dangerous pre-abortion medical consultations and waiting periods before being allowed to undergo the procedure. In four states, women are even forced to bury or cremate the fetal remains after the procedure.

These government-mandated roadblocks and punitive shaming serve no purpose but to make it more difficult, emotionally damaging, and expensive for women to have an abortion.

Keep ReadingShow less

Awesome chart shows you how far you can drive on empty.

There are two types of people in this world – those who panic and fill up their cars with gas when the needle hits 25% or so, and people like me who wait until the gas light comes on, then check the odometer so you can drive the entire 30 miles to absolute empty before coasting into a gas station on fumes.

I mean…it's not empty until it's empty, right?

Keep ReadingShow less

19 countries photoshopped one man to fit their idea of the perfect body

If you ask people what they think the “perfect" body looks like, you're sure to get a range of answers, depending on where the person is from. Last year, Superdrug Online Doctor created a project, “Perceptions of Perfection" that showed what people in 18 countries think the “perfect" woman looks like. The project was a viral hit.

They've recently released the male version.

This time, they asked graphic designers—11 women and eight men—in 19 countries to photoshop the same image to highlight the male beauty standards for their country.

Keep ReadingShow less

Trying To Guess Which Twin Smokes Is The Perfect Way To Help You Quit

It's not revolutionary news that smoking wreaks havoc on your body in different ways. More often than not, however, the focus of anti-smoking campaigns is on your internal health, citing emphysema, heart disease, and lung cancer, to name just a few consequences.

While the superficial effects may not be as lethal, appealing to people's sense of vanity can have a powerful effect as this clever gallery below shows. Twins, only one of whom smokes, sit side by side, showing the profound damage smoking can cause to your face, hair, and teeth.

Keep ReadingShow less

A viral Twitter thread about body autonomy is a reminder of the ‘fear’ and ‘shame’ women still are forced to confront.

Body autonomy means a person has the right to whatever they want with their own body.

We live in a world where people are constantly telling women what they can or can't do with their bodies. Women get it form all sides — Washington, their churches, family members, and even doctors.

Keep ReadingShow less

19 rude and selfish parkers who messed with the wrong parking lots

Vandalizing someone's car is wrong and illegal, so don't do it.

But what you can do is check out what happened to these incredibly rude parkers who ticked off the wrong people.

Keep ReadingShow less

A teacher's viral extra credit questions lure students into a phenomenal prank

A mystery teacher has become an internet scholar after imgur user SharkyTheSharkDog shared photos of the extra credit questions on their exams.

While the first six are really fun—you should see if you can get them all correct—the last one is pure torture in the form of public humiliation.

Keep ReadingShow less
© Copyright 2025