What Would a Fox News Version of National Geographic Look Like?

Image via Flickr User Jonathan Lundvquist

On Wednesday, the world awoke to a delicious (and tragic) piece of media gossip: for the bargain price of $725 million, Fox News had effectively bought out the one and only National Geographic Magazine. The magazine, which published its first issue in 1888 and at one point enjoyed close to 12 million subscribers, has been struggling with declining ad revenue and readership for close to a decade. To save one of the world’s most beloved publications, The National Geographic Society sold its properties to one of the world’s most controversial.

The transition, we’ve been assured, will be smooth. But what would a Fox News version of National Geographic look like? Will the eminent publication, beloved by so many journalists for its analysis and so many sixth-graders for it nudey pics, stay the same—or will it undergo a radical transformation? Here are some of the changes we can imagine happening.

National Geographic will be immediately renamed Nationalist Geographic. Anyone accused of disliking the transition will be promptly labeled politically correct, then destroyed.

The great civilization of Toledo, Ohio. Image via Flickr user Nicholas Eckhart

Less Asia coverage, more Akron coverage. Photographers have spent far too much time documenting distant, anti-American, foreign cultures. Why not explore the ancient burial rituals of Fort Wayne, Indiana, celebrate the intricate, florid dances of Chesapeake, Virginia, or tour the great historic Chili’s of Toledo, Ohio?

All nude photography will be immediately eviscerated or photoshopped. Possible alternatives include: pastel turtlenecks, form-fitting blouses, and very nice headbands.

Global warming will no longer be taken as a scientific fact but as “IMO.” Reputable pundits such as this dude they found on the street will offer prescient opposing views.

Species of man will now include: homo sapiens, homo erectus, homo habilis, and Ronald Reagan.

Image via Wikimedia

No longer will any specific animal be “endangered.” Now, #allanimalsmatter. In mainstream media, several species have been given the label “endangered.” But many people behind Fox News believe that some of these species are simply more outspoken and self-righteous than others, and are dying not because of “outside predators” but “species-on-species crime.” #Allanimalsmatter.

Fossils will no longer be referred to as fossils but as “heavenly footprints.”

Some staff will be fired, and new staff brought on board. Tall men, screaming men, and persecuted Christian minorities are strongly encouraged to apply.