Pat Robertson Warns That Partying Makes Us “Enslaved to Vegetables”

While some toil under the silly impression they’re being watched over by some all-knowing, benevolent deity, professional internet scienticians proved years ago that it was, in fact, the lizard people who control our day-to-day lives and provide marching orders to our illuminati overlords. But what if—and I know this may be hard to believe—that were all a lie? What if every time you partied, you were unknowingly submitting yourself to some other cruel, mindless, fibrous master? What if we were slaves to… vegetables?

No, this isn’t a Republican talking point bashing Michelle Obama’s healthy school lunch program, but it’s close—Raw Story reports that yesterday, hateful, doddering old Christ-cuddler Pat Robertson laid out the theory on his TV show, the 700 Club, asserting that those who drink or do drugs are “enslaved to vegetables.” Sure it sounds crazy, but let him explain: “Cocaine is the product of a vegetable,” said Robertson. “Alcohol is the product of a vegetable, marijuana is a vegetable… Why would you become a slave to a vegetable?”

Robertson, who thinks abortion is a lesbian conspiracy and once called Presbyterians “the spirit of the Antichrist,” tells us that this whole vegetable/slave equation is an abomination. You see, it’s humans who are supposed to have dominion over “the animals, all the snakes, all the birds, all the plants, all the vegetables.” But, Robertson assured us, god can liberate us from our leafy taskmasters: “Your slavery to vegetables, he can set you free,” he said.

While vegetable is not a biological term, and basically means “plant that we eat,” I’ve never heard anyone refer to weed or la cocaína that way before. But according to the USDA, I should be eating three cups of vegetables a day, so if I can switch out this nasty cauliflower for a coca leaf smoothie and a blunt, I’m with you, Pat Robertson.