My cell phone contacts list is a cringe-inducing time portal.
I never delete anyone, mostly out of some deranged fear that someone whose number I have will become the next Lady Gaga and I’ll definitely want to call them.
In the spirit of spring cleaning, I decided to look through all my numbers for the very first time. It took 36 minutes and 11 seconds.
Here’s a complete list of everyone I chose to purge:
- Andie??
- A woman who works at my alma mater and who calls me about alumni stuff.
- Ex-boyfriend from summer before college who sucks.
- A girl I was friends with in middle school.
- A girl I was never really friends with in high school.
- A girl from my college comedy troupe who fell off the face of the Earth.
- An amazing pizza place by my old apartment in Boston that I was actually sad to delete from my phone.
- A guy I hung out with for one day two summers ago who was visiting my friend in the city and she got busy and passed him off to me.
- A guy I met on OKCupid who looked like Joseph Gordon-Levitt in 500 Days of Summer, but acted like Joseph Gordon-Levitt in 10 Things I Hate About You.
- An old co-worker.
- An old boss.
- An old employee who was flakey.
- A really cool kid who I hung out with in college and everyone thought was uncomfortable with being gay.
- A Boston comic.
- A New York comic.
- I think this person is a comic but I can’t remember.
- A comic I deleted from Facebook because he’s a misogynist (yet somehow I still had his number).
- A female NYU student I hooked up with at a queer 1950s party and then never called.
- A friend from Israel Birthright.
- My friend’s boyfriend.
- A female friend of my ex-boyfriend.
- An old co-worker who randomly decided to hate me, for which I never got an explanation.
- Brooke??
- “Pierre French Dude from Franklin Park bar”
- A girl I had class with once.
- A girl who trained me at my old job.
- A girl who dated my ex.
- This rich girl I knew in college.
- A rich douchebag I knew in high school who got fat.
- Some graphic designer.
- Camp friend who Internet-stalks me.
- Really good friend from childhood and high school who I wish I was still in touch with, but probably wouldn’t even know how to talk to now. Kind of pains me to delete this one.
- A high school friend who hooked up with both my friend and my sister.
- A guy I hooked up with at a hotel party.
- A girl I met on OKCupid.
- Jillian??
- My old editor.
- An old professor who I’d probably just contact on Facebook if I wanted to talk.
- My old boss who had a lot of health problems. Hope he’s okay.
- High school friend who joined the Israeli army.
- A random email address.
- A guy I took an improv class with.
- Childhood friend who I lost touch with and who got married. Tried to get back in touch, but I honestly think it would be too hard to see him.
- A photographer I worked with.
- A source for a story who lives in LA.
- A source for a story who lives in NYC.
- A source for a story who hates me now, and I deserve it.
- Alex M??
- Nicole??
- Meghan??
- Guy from college I thought was cute, but who never noticed me.
- Friend from freshman year who transferred.
- Friend from improv class.
- Comedy friend who came out as a lesbian and then disappeared.
- Editor of a lesbian blog I was going to write for.
- Semi-famous musician, friend of ex-boyfriend.
- Older guy I was hooking up with three years ago, with whom I should not have been hooking up.
- My old wireless password from two apartments ago.
- The cab driver who took me home from my job every day three years ago, who was awesome. (I might keep this one.)
- Three cab companies in Boston.
- Two taxi companies in NY.
- LAX Transportation.
- A realtor.
- A college drug dealer.
- Duane Reade.
- A friend from a high school abroad program.
- A friend from summer camp who lost his mind, dropped out of the Ivy League and moved to the South to make music.
- A rapper I was going to interview.
- Sean??
- The Sun-Sentinel News Room
- Shauna??
- An electronic DJ.
- Simeon??
- Very sweet, young Indian guy who sublet my apartment.
- Guy I lost my virginity to.
- First girl crush, who is engaged to a dude now.
- A tattoo parlor in Brooklyn.
- A dermatologist.
- Torey??
- A Canadian guy I went to college with.
- A gay guy I went to college with.
- Vinny??
- My childhood best friend’s home.
- My childhood best friend’s dad.
- Whitney??
- An old roommate who had OCD.
- An old co-worker at an internship.
- My grandfather, who passed away a year ago.
Photo via (cc) Flickr user Andrew St. Clair
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