My cell phone contacts list is a cringe-inducing time portal.
I never delete anyone, mostly out of some deranged fear that someone whose number I have will become the next Lady Gaga and I’ll de?nitely want to call them.
In the spirit of spring cleaning, I decided to look through all my numbers for the very ?rst time. It took 36 minutes and 11 seconds.
Here’s a complete list of everyone I chose to purge:
\n
Andie??
A woman who works at my alma mater and who calls me about alumni stuff.
Ex-boyfriend from summer before college who sucks.
A girl I was friends with in middle school.
A girl I was never really friends with in high school.
A girl from my college comedy troupe who fell off the face of the Earth.
An amazing pizza place by my old apartment in Boston that I was actually sad to delete from my phone.
A guy I hung out with for one day two summers ago who was visiting my friend in the city and she got busy and passed him off to me.
A guy I met on OKCupid who looked like Joseph Gordon-Levitt in 500 Days of Summer, but acted like Joseph Gordon-Levitt in 10 Things I Hate About You.
An old co-worker.
An old boss.
An old employee who was ?akey.
A really cool kid who I hung out with in college and everyone thought was uncomfortable with being gay.
A Boston comic.
A New York comic.
I think this person is a comic but I can’t remember.
A comic I deleted from Facebook because he’s a misogynist (yet somehow I still had his number).
A female NYU student I hooked up with at a queer 1950s party and then never called.
A friend from Israel Birthright.
My friend’s boyfriend.
A female friend of my ex-boyfriend.
An old co-worker who randomly decided to hate me, for which I never got an explanation.
Brooke??
“Pierre French Dude from Franklin Park bar”
A girl I had class with once.
A girl who trained me at my old job.
A girl who dated my ex.
This rich girl I knew in college.
A rich douchebag I knew in high school who got fat.
Some graphic designer.
Camp friend who Internet-stalks me.
Really good friend from childhood and high school who I wish I was still in touch with, but probably wouldn’t even know how to talk to now. Kind of pains me to delete this one.
A high school friend who hooked up with both my friend and my sister.
A guy I hooked up with at a hotel party.
A girl I met on OKCupid.
Jillian??
My old editor.
An old professor who I’d probably just contact on Facebook if I wanted to talk.
My old boss who had a lot of health problems. Hope he’s okay.
High school friend who joined the Israeli army.
A random email address.
A guy I took an improv class with.
Childhood friend who I lost touch with and who got married. Tried to get back in touch, but I honestly think it would be too hard to see him.
A photographer I worked with.
A source for a story who lives in LA.
A source for a story who lives in NYC.
A source for a story who hates me now, and I deserve it.
Alex M??
Nicole??
Meghan??
Guy from college I thought was cute, but who never noticed me.
Friend from freshman year who transferred.
Friend from improv class.
Comedy friend who came out as a lesbian and then disappeared.
Editor of a lesbian blog I was going to write for.
Semi-famous musician, friend of ex-boyfriend.
Older guy I was hooking up with three years ago, with whom I should not have been hooking up.
My old wireless password from two apartments ago.
The cab driver who took me home from my job every day three years ago, who was awesome. (I might keep this one.)
Three cab companies in Boston.
Two taxi companies in NY.
LAX Transportation.
A realtor.
A college drug dealer.
Duane Reade.
A friend from a high school abroad program.
A friend from summer camp who lost his mind, dropped out of the Ivy League and moved to the South to make music.
A rapper I was going to interview.
Sean??
The Sun-Sentinel News Room
Shauna??
An electronic DJ.
Simeon??
Very sweet, young Indian guy who sublet my apartment.
Share on Facebook
