Science explains why our first loves are so often the hardest to get over

Ever asked yourself why you might feel that the one who "got away" is usually someone from your younger years? There are reasons for that.

According to Dr. Helen Fisher, PhD, who was one of the most prominent anthropologists of our time, a lot of it, quite plainly, comes down to neuroscience. Dr. Fisher, who passed away in 2024, was a Senior Research Fellow at the Kinsey Institute and Chief Science Advisor at Match.com. From HelenFisher.com: "She conducted extensive research and wrote six books on the evolution and future of human sex, love, marriage, gender differences in the brain, and how your personality style shapes who you are and who you love."

In an interview clip with Dr. Fisher for The Well on YouTube, she states, "One of the problems with early-stage, intense feelings of romantic love is that it's part of the oldest parts of the brain that become activated. Brain regions linked with drive, craving, obsession, and motivation."

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So if we fall hard for someone, especially the first time, what gets activated in the brain is in such close proximity to the areas also related to craving and obsession, that it could literally feel like an addiction. In fact, it's no different than an addiction to drugs, alcohol, shopping, or gambling. It's an illogical need for a dopamine hit.

She continues that for some of us, logical thinking may even turn off, stating, "In fact, some cognitive regions up in the prefrontal cortex, which have evolved much more recently, begin to shut down. Brain regions like decision-making and planning ahead."

Here's the thing. When we feel intensely (which we so often do when we're younger), hormones are released that might create a reward system that keeps us in an infatuation loop. Hormones like dopamine ("motivation/reward"), norepinephrine (which can cause euphoric feelings), and oxytocin, which is considered the "love hormone," making some of us feel strongly attached.

In the piece "Love and the Brain" by Scott Edwards published on Harvard.edu, he discusses the work of married therapists/Harvard Medical School professors Richard Schwartz and Jacqueline Olds. He also cites Dr. Fisher, claiming, "Helen Fisher studied 166 societies and found evidence of romantic love—the kind that leaves one breathless and euphoric—in 147 of them."

The article goes on to relay that in 2005, Dr. Fisher led a team of researchers to study the MRIs of people in love. "Photos of people they romantically loved caused the participants’ brains to become active in regions rich with dopamine, the so-called feel-good neurotransmitter."

Other brain regions associated with reward detection and "focused attention" also lit up in these fMRI scans. "Two of the brain regions that showed activity in the fMRI scans were the caudate nucleus, a region associated with reward detection and expectation and the integration of sensory experiences into social behavior, and the ventral tegmental area, which is associated with pleasure, focused attention, and the motivation to pursue and acquire rewards."

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In the article, "The life-long psychological effects your first love has on you" by Jalmee Bell for BigThink.com, they discuss why "first loves" are so impactful. "The first time may be the most important because it’s the foundation. Most likely, you experienced this foundation of love during a time (adolescence) when your brain was still developing."

Bell notes psychologist Jefferson Singer, who claims that when we're younger, events and feelings stick to our memories with a bit more adhesive. Bell says, "Most people experience a 'memory bump' between the ages of 15 and 26. This memory bump happens at a time when we are experiencing all kinds of firsts (driving a car, having sex, falling in love, etc.). Later in life, these memories tend to be more impactful because they occurred when our memory was at its peak."

woman leaning on man's shoulder Photo by Edward Cisneros on Unsplash

It's probably why so many songs, poems, and films have been dedicated to our first loves. These chemicals imprinted stains on our young minds that no detergent can get out. To quote writer Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. in Breakfast of Champions, perhaps we are all just "huge, rubbery test tubes, too, with chemical reactions seething inside."